We all know that saying – old ways do not open new doors and up until lately I have completely supported and agreed with this statement.
But did you notice how I said up until lately? Let me explain….
I am all for changes, change is good. Even if in the moment it doesn’t seem that way, soon enough we look back and are thankful certain events unfolded. After all, Changes = progression.
I myself have changed over the years, its a natural part of life. Especially as we age. We are still us but certain aspects of our personalities, interests and habits change. Nothing stays the same forever and neither do us people. We grow, we evolve, we change.
I have swapped nights out for nights in. I have become more patient and not impulsive. I am more chilled and not so hot headed. A lot about me has changed. But these changes did not happen over night, they have happened over time, throughout experiences. You do not always notice yourself changing or even realize that you have, until you look back or get a reminder and it kind of smacks you in the face.
For me, my realization has become as a result of being bored scrolling through my Facebook for hours taking me back as far as 2008. (Yes, like I said really bored) and I kind of felt emotional reading back and looking back, emotional in different ways and for different reasons, Happy, sad, proud, missing certain things (Definitely not my old fashion sense and questionable hair styles)
I laughed and smiled that the things I was going through back then, that seemed the end of the world are now distant memories. I did get over them, and my world didn’t end. I felt the emotion going back to certain memories of things I had experience and I felt so happy that certain times are behind me.
It was a whirlwind of emotions. Emotions which took me by surprise, I mean who thought just scrolling back through Facebook could have such an impact on you?
It massively has me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with who I am, I am happy with the changes that have entered my life and how I have grown as a person but reading back has made me realize I have lost certain aspects of my personality that I used to have. Things that made me, me.
Over the years I have heard not only my friends but my family use statements as “remember what you used to be like Leanne” “the old Leanne would have done this differently” and in my head I couldn’t understand what they was saying. To me, I was and have always been just me. Sure I’ve mellowed down and my mindset etc has changed but I couldn’t have changed that much could I?
I now realize I have. And I realize I’ve lost certain sparks.
Back in the day I didn’t take no shit. Not that I was a bitch but I for sure was not a door mat. I stuck up for my self and made sure my voice was heard. Sure I still have a voice now and I use it, but I feel like I don’t use it when I should. For me. For my life. I have mellowed and in mellowing I sometimes have allowed certain things slide that I before I wouldn’t have.
I didn’t care what people thought of me. I mean reading back on some of the videos and statuses I put onto Facebook states that clearly enough. I just did what I wanted to with no care or thought about others opinions or judgement. To a certain extent I still don’t care, but to a point I do. Maybe social media has a part to play. We feel pressures from others a lot more and we are a lot more open to negative comments. But I think I care too much. Before I would have just done things but now I find myself thinking way too much before hand over analyzing and over thinking.
I could go on about many traits that I used to have that I now don’t. I mean sure they must still be inside of me, but deep deep down.
I’ve felt a little lost lately. Not myself. In a bit of a daze just plodding through. Maybe now I have realized it’s because I lost my spark. My spark that made me feel more happy and care free.
Even though in losing my ‘spark’ I have gained many more valuable aspects to my personality, I still believe the aspects lost are the aspects needed.
So as much as I don’t believe old ways do not open new doors, I am now thinking maybe old ways are my answer to new doors opening.
Maybe finding my spark again, and embracing my old traits and habits will open my life up. Maybe learning my old take no shit attitude will make me feel more stronger and empowered. Maybe getting my old “I don’t care what others think of me” trait back will enable me to fully 100% go after my dreams and goals without fear of being judged or rejected. Maybe in just being fully me the old and the new combined will transform my life.
Don’t ever lose sight of who you are. Allow changes to take course, but don’t allow change to change you so much that you lose the spark that makes you. You.
I like the old Leanne and the new Leanne. So from now I’m going to comfortably sit between the two and see where life takes me.